....He will go with us.
God seems silent. But He also seems present in some of the moments of this journey.
We're considering surgery options in the States because we've heard about some financial assistance and I can't bear to wait until May just to see the surgeon. Plus, can I really trust that the surgeon will give me what I need since he first thought I was okay enough to wait until JULY to see him? We were originally under the impression that you applied, waited to hear, and then got the surgery if they said yes. Turns out you have to have the surgery first, then they decide how much - if any - that they will write off. So we've got a lot to think about.
But before we can decide that, we have to recover from the worst stomach bug I've ever had. We thought it was food poisoning, but six people from my family have come down with it so far, so we're thinking it's a bug. It has rendered me to weak that I cannot even carry my own son, and he feels like he weighs about 100 pounds. He only weighs about 14. I've been able to deal with some tiny amounts of juice mixed with Sprite, some ice chips, and some lukewarm water. I never want to see food again. Interestingly enough, the bug further caused pain with my birth injuries. This is such a long journey.
My husband is taking care of our little one now that he is recovering, and we're doing a bit of formula and a bit of nursing. We are hoping and praying that our little guy doesn't get what we have.
Because of all of this, we had to change our travel plans. We're now supposed to leave on Thursday, but I'm thinking that is awfully close for me to have time to get well enough to have a full day of travel with two flights, one long layover, and a whole ton of carrying luggage and a baby.
Normally, during moments like this, I find myself begging God to let me escape. This time, I'm just asking Him to cling to me and keep walking me through it. He's used it to show me some yucky stuff in my heart that needed to come out - things like pride and judgmental attitudes involving mothering issues. It's amazing what goes through your mind when you physically feel so terrible that death seems like a welcome option. I can't really feel Him as I'd like, but there is a sense that I'm not exactly alone in this.
I'm exhausted and full of questions, waiting for what I hope will be clear guidance from the One who loves me most. I am hoping He chooses not to be silent in this. But we shall see. The one thing I do know is that I don't think some folks ever get to the point when they stop doubting and questioning their faith. At least, that's where I'm at. The one huge consolation is that if He's really there, then He's really big enough to handle my questions, my doubts, my what-ifs, my forgetfulness, and my pain.
It will probably be quiet around here for some time. We have a lot of decisions to make, and I'm feeling pretty awful. We just need time to "be". And I need time to heal.