My husband took our little guy for the day so I could have a bit of down time, as well as a big chunk of time to clean our very dirty home. Our son has recently decided he cannot sleep without his mother, and that he has no need of sleep until very late. That means no down time for me, and no time to clean without him around. So this day alone is a gift. Our friends from South Africa arrived safely last weekend, and their guys and my guys are hiking today whilst I enjoy the quiet.
I have recently discovered the joys of Nutella, so that will be on the menu for today. And if I can get out of my pajamas (the perfect cleaning uniform), I may even treat myself to a meal out all by myself. Or maybe a nap. Yes, a nap sounds lovely.
I have nothing deep to share, but wanted to pop in and say hello. Since making my other blog more private, I feel like I should at least write a bit more over here. But honestly, this season of life has me rather protective of myself, wanting to keep my heart and mind safely tucked away from view. But maybe, one day, I'll feel like sharing again. Or maybe I'll find a fun writing contest to enter, which will give me an excuse to post here.
Blessings to the 2.5 people who read this (if that many). =) I'm off to go clean with my remaining four hours of freedom.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Just Some Updates - Happy and Sad
* The hospital meeting went well. I look forward to hearing their conclusions, and to seeing what tangible things they offer. They said my story was "compelling", that I was "eloquent" and "articulate and clear", among other encouraging things.
* I have an appointment at a major hospital in Vancouver for some tests to help the surgeon know what to do, and another one coming up to help me process some of the emotional aftermath of all of this.
*The head of the hospital where I delivered is going to contact the Vancouver area surgeon to see if there is any way to speed up my surgery and get me healed faster.
*My youngest brother and his wife lost a baby girl this weekend. Their full term baby girl was delivered yesterday. We are all heartbroken and heartsick. There is nothing to say. So many questions and wonderings. So much pain. And there are three little kiddos who have no concept and will never know their baby sister this side of eternity.
*The "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" organization is very much worth your support. I have read about them on many blogs of women who have lost children, and they stepped in and recorded some precious memories for the few moments my brother and sister-in-law had with their little baby girl.
*Based upon some of my discussions with physiotherapists (physical therapists for you Americans) and with the hospital heads, I think that becoming a type of advocate may be in my future. A passion for gently educating women about their options for everything from continence therapy to post trauma issues is something forming in my heart and mind.
*Finally, I'm so ready for this world to be made new again. This Fall stuff is too hard to bear most days. Literally. The Fall even impacted the bears. We've had a rogue bear making meals out of our son's diapers lately, destroying a 4'x4' garbage shed with two locks, tearing the doors off the hinges. I'm ready for Narnia bears that are good. Do you think Heaven will have those? That would be fun.
* I have an appointment at a major hospital in Vancouver for some tests to help the surgeon know what to do, and another one coming up to help me process some of the emotional aftermath of all of this.
*The head of the hospital where I delivered is going to contact the Vancouver area surgeon to see if there is any way to speed up my surgery and get me healed faster.
*My youngest brother and his wife lost a baby girl this weekend. Their full term baby girl was delivered yesterday. We are all heartbroken and heartsick. There is nothing to say. So many questions and wonderings. So much pain. And there are three little kiddos who have no concept and will never know their baby sister this side of eternity.
*The "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" organization is very much worth your support. I have read about them on many blogs of women who have lost children, and they stepped in and recorded some precious memories for the few moments my brother and sister-in-law had with their little baby girl.
*Based upon some of my discussions with physiotherapists (physical therapists for you Americans) and with the hospital heads, I think that becoming a type of advocate may be in my future. A passion for gently educating women about their options for everything from continence therapy to post trauma issues is something forming in my heart and mind.
*Finally, I'm so ready for this world to be made new again. This Fall stuff is too hard to bear most days. Literally. The Fall even impacted the bears. We've had a rogue bear making meals out of our son's diapers lately, destroying a 4'x4' garbage shed with two locks, tearing the doors off the hinges. I'm ready for Narnia bears that are good. Do you think Heaven will have those? That would be fun.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Learning To Be A Brave Advocate
The news arrived today that some top folks at the hospital have agreed to meet with me to hear our story. It will happen in a couple of weeks.
My goal is not only to get my story heard and to find some sort of resolution to our issues, but to advocate for all women whose choices are removed and who are injured when protocol is not followed. I'm new at this and am planning and preparing a ton so that my presentation is clear, concise, and professional.
Cheer me on and hope with me for justice and the right things to be done!
My goal is not only to get my story heard and to find some sort of resolution to our issues, but to advocate for all women whose choices are removed and who are injured when protocol is not followed. I'm new at this and am planning and preparing a ton so that my presentation is clear, concise, and professional.
Cheer me on and hope with me for justice and the right things to be done!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Is This How It Is With Us & God?
So my son is teething. His top front teeth have been trying to come through for some weeks now, but despite hugely swollen gums, nothing else is happening. He's in a lot of pain, and that combined with his hesitation to sleep when he'd rather be spinning around in circles, made for a rough bedtime routine tonight.
I fed him, gave him pain meds, read to him, rocked him, and nursed him before laying him down the first time. He cried and cried and cried. And these cries were not angry ones, but pitiful and frightened ones. So after a few minutes, I went and got him. And rocked him and tried to nurse some more. He wasn't having it, but wanted to play, so back to bed he went so I could eat sushi with my husband. (Oh My Goodness, that was wonderful. Of course, we didn't get anything that had raw meat in it. Everything he chose was cooked for my sake.)
Grasshopper cried solidly and again they were not angry cries, but ones that let me know he really needed me. So we dimmed the kitchen lights and went and got him, taking turns holding him so we could eat. But when I was finished and went to rock him, he just wanted to move all over the place like a squirmy worm. I knew he was so tired and desperately needed sleep, and that if he would just relax and stop turning circles in my arms that he would go right to sleep. But he wouldn't, so back to bed he went as there was nothing he would let me do for him.
Finally, his cries were getting totally frantic and I could tell from the volume that he was now standing in his crib, facing the doorway. He needed me. So I turned off the living room lights, went and got him, and then came back and rocked him.
This time he was ready. He melted into my chest under his flannel blanket, sucking his thumb contentedly. Awhile later, I could feel the slow, even cadence of his breathing, letting me know he was ready to curl up in his crib by himself. He practically melted into his crib mattress too, curled up in a little ball before sprawling out on his tummy as I covered him with his blankets.
And it hit me. Am I like that with God? Does God know that I desperately need His comfort and rest, and want me to just melt into His lap so that He can give those things to me? But instead, I spend my time turning in circles, looking to other people and things for comfort, calling this person and that person never satisfied that anyone really understands me, doing a bit of retail therapy we really cannot afford, eating chocolate anything not thinking of how it will show on the outside of my body, refusing to just settle down with His Word in the quiet of my home. And I wonder at my unhappiness and unsettledness, confused and surprised that nothing is making me feel better. But then desperation sets in and I run to Him with overwhelming emotions, throwing myself headlong into His mercy.
Before I know it, I'm passed out in the rest and comfort He gives, finding my tense muscles melting into the original supple way He designed them to be. And I realize that this could have happened much sooner had I only run to Him first and let Him be my comforter.
And I wonder, does God see me as I see Grasshopper?
I fed him, gave him pain meds, read to him, rocked him, and nursed him before laying him down the first time. He cried and cried and cried. And these cries were not angry ones, but pitiful and frightened ones. So after a few minutes, I went and got him. And rocked him and tried to nurse some more. He wasn't having it, but wanted to play, so back to bed he went so I could eat sushi with my husband. (Oh My Goodness, that was wonderful. Of course, we didn't get anything that had raw meat in it. Everything he chose was cooked for my sake.)
Grasshopper cried solidly and again they were not angry cries, but ones that let me know he really needed me. So we dimmed the kitchen lights and went and got him, taking turns holding him so we could eat. But when I was finished and went to rock him, he just wanted to move all over the place like a squirmy worm. I knew he was so tired and desperately needed sleep, and that if he would just relax and stop turning circles in my arms that he would go right to sleep. But he wouldn't, so back to bed he went as there was nothing he would let me do for him.
Finally, his cries were getting totally frantic and I could tell from the volume that he was now standing in his crib, facing the doorway. He needed me. So I turned off the living room lights, went and got him, and then came back and rocked him.
This time he was ready. He melted into my chest under his flannel blanket, sucking his thumb contentedly. Awhile later, I could feel the slow, even cadence of his breathing, letting me know he was ready to curl up in his crib by himself. He practically melted into his crib mattress too, curled up in a little ball before sprawling out on his tummy as I covered him with his blankets.
And it hit me. Am I like that with God? Does God know that I desperately need His comfort and rest, and want me to just melt into His lap so that He can give those things to me? But instead, I spend my time turning in circles, looking to other people and things for comfort, calling this person and that person never satisfied that anyone really understands me, doing a bit of retail therapy we really cannot afford, eating chocolate anything not thinking of how it will show on the outside of my body, refusing to just settle down with His Word in the quiet of my home. And I wonder at my unhappiness and unsettledness, confused and surprised that nothing is making me feel better. But then desperation sets in and I run to Him with overwhelming emotions, throwing myself headlong into His mercy.
Before I know it, I'm passed out in the rest and comfort He gives, finding my tense muscles melting into the original supple way He designed them to be. And I realize that this could have happened much sooner had I only run to Him first and let Him be my comforter.
And I wonder, does God see me as I see Grasshopper?
Saturday, September 12, 2009
It's Really Okay...
....to take time to be sad about all of this.
Wish this waitress could come to my house.
Wish this waitress could come to my house.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Determination
There are a lot of things conspiring to get me to just give up. But today I decided something after being disappointed by an expert for the millionth time this month.
I am going to fight. I am going to be valiant. I am going to write my own story with the ending I want. Sure, I cannot heal my broken body on my own. But I can make other important decisions that shape me as a woman, a wife, and a mother. And I am going to listen to my Father God and use the wisdom and the heart He gave me. And I will decide. I will write a good story. And there will not be a victim in it anywhere. Just a good and true and valiant woman striving to love her God, herself, and her loved ones well. Fighting for justice, for healing, and for hope.
I am tired. But I am determined. Once again. At the end of my rope. But still hanging on.
If you want to hang on with me, as I know some of you have expressed, I'd be glad for the company. There's always room at the end of this rope for another hand or two to grip alongside mine.
Yes, this story is growing longer than I ever wanted. But it's good to be reminded that I am the author and I get to do the writing, even if I can't control all the characters. So this redheaded author is going to write a good story with a good ending. Even if it takes a million pages.
I am going to fight. I am going to be valiant. I am going to write my own story with the ending I want. Sure, I cannot heal my broken body on my own. But I can make other important decisions that shape me as a woman, a wife, and a mother. And I am going to listen to my Father God and use the wisdom and the heart He gave me. And I will decide. I will write a good story. And there will not be a victim in it anywhere. Just a good and true and valiant woman striving to love her God, herself, and her loved ones well. Fighting for justice, for healing, and for hope.
I am tired. But I am determined. Once again. At the end of my rope. But still hanging on.
If you want to hang on with me, as I know some of you have expressed, I'd be glad for the company. There's always room at the end of this rope for another hand or two to grip alongside mine.
Yes, this story is growing longer than I ever wanted. But it's good to be reminded that I am the author and I get to do the writing, even if I can't control all the characters. So this redheaded author is going to write a good story with a good ending. Even if it takes a million pages.
Sorry For The Quiet
It's been a little busy over here. A sick babe, multiple physical therapy and surgical and other medical appointments for the mama, guests from out of town, trying to find real help for the mama, and the usual tasks of life have kept me quiet. I'll write again soon.
In the meantime I'll leave you with this....
When a person is in need and you have a friendship with them and some ability to act (working hands, a working mouth, working feet, whatever), don't just offer words of solace or prayers, DO SOMETHING PRACTICAL AND TANGIBLE to let them know they are not alone in the world.
I would love it if some human out there could be that for me. But my prospects look grim. See to it that those in your life have better looking prospects today. =) A grateful redhead thanks you for making the world a less lonely place.
In the meantime I'll leave you with this....
When a person is in need and you have a friendship with them and some ability to act (working hands, a working mouth, working feet, whatever), don't just offer words of solace or prayers, DO SOMETHING PRACTICAL AND TANGIBLE to let them know they are not alone in the world.
I would love it if some human out there could be that for me. But my prospects look grim. See to it that those in your life have better looking prospects today. =) A grateful redhead thanks you for making the world a less lonely place.
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