Monday, March 30, 2009


We are in Missouri with family. Our little guy is smiling more and more, and he has discovered how fun it is to grin at himself in the mirror. He loves his Granddad and feels safe with his Grandma. His mama likes the fact that she gets a break now and again to have a real nap.

I've had a setback in the health department. With all of my heart, I wish I'd had a c-section 11.75 weeks ago. And with the same part of my heart, I'm wishing there was such a thing as a butt transplant. But then, I've never been a medicine person, and all those anti-rejection drugs would be hard to comply with. And really, just how would one go about picking out a butt anyway? Thinking through all of the possibilities in that realm gives me something to chuckle over. Could you get one that had a permanent bikini wax? And what about no cellulite? Really. What kind of butt would you want?

My husband and I got to see a surgeon today. I so wish she could help me. If I had $5,000 or more, she could. But I'm in the realm of Canadian medicine now, and no longer have the wonderful insurance that once upon a time enabled me to partake of the insanely expensive healthcare of the United States. So this surgeon's findings will just have to be taken to Canada where I will get in line, and someday have the surgery that may fix me once and for all. I'm not incredibly hopeful anymore that this saga will ever be over with a good ending. If others have strength to hope for me, that would be nice.

I've talked with both my maternity doctor and my family doctor today. I've asked my family doctor to take over my care so we can get things centralized, and he agreed to talk with my maternity doctor to coordinate things. I don't want my maternity doctor to feel like she failed or like I'm upset with her. She has been a gift, and I really love her. I just want and need someone who can be a bulldog with my care anytime of the week and has an office staff that is more reachable. The only way I can ever get in touch with her is to call her on her cell phone, and that seems like a boundary violation to me. Her office staff is nice, but I always feel that they are a little cold and clueless. Plus, they are only open three days a week with very limited hours those days. I'm most likely going to forget about following up with the Ob who had been involved. I no longer can trust her to know enough or be thorough enough, though I really like her bedside manner and her gentle ways. Still, I'm sad that this is happening. I wish I could just keep seeing all of these doctors. I hate to disappoint anyone, and it feels like that is what has happened.

I am learning some things during this waiting to be healthy time. I'm braver than I thought. I can take more pain than I ever imagined. I'd rather not find out if I can take more though. How people deal with such awful diseases as Crohn's and cancer, I'll never know. Nor do I want to. I can also get through tough examinations with no pain meds with a gracefulness that amazes even me. But I'd like to be done learning. It would be nice if we could move onto things like climbing, going to the beach, walking, running, and enjoying the finer things in marriage. But instead, I'm waiting. Waiting to be better. Waiting for someone to fix me. Waiting for a miracle.

Here's hoping it comes my way soon.


Kimberly said...

Oh honey, I am so, so full of hope for you. Having had the blessing of someone more specialized narrowing down the problem will, I hope, yield results for you sooner than expected.

I wish Canada's healthcare system were kinder to you - just know that this Canadian loves you to pieces and is praying for you most earnestly.

Kork said...

Hoping for you!

Please don't feel like YOU have disappointed your doctors...after reading, and keeping up with all that you've chosen to share, I can honestly say that THEY have disappointed you. Whatever the reason, they did not see or act upon the warning signs that were there during and after Grasshopper's is NOT your fault.

Praying for you lots!

Oh, and by the way? I think a JLo bum would be the way to go...I think I'd look good with a little junk in my trunk! hee hee...

Sarah said...

Oh heart goes out to you. I can hear the weariness that you are trying so hard to hide and I wish I could help you in some way to be healthy and pain free.I send you hugs. Sarah x