Waiting

We are in Missouri with family. Our little guy is smiling more and more, and he has discovered how fun it is to grin at himself in the mirror. He loves his Granddad and feels safe with his Grandma. His mama likes the fact that she gets a break now and again to have a real nap.

I've had a setback in the health department. With all of my heart, I wish I'd had a c-section 11.75 weeks ago. And with the same part of my heart, I'm wishing there was such a thing as a butt transplant. But then, I've never been a medicine person, and all those anti-rejection drugs would be hard to comply with. And really, just how would one go about picking out a butt anyway? Thinking through all of the possibilities in that realm gives me something to chuckle over. Could you get one that had a permanent bikini wax? And what about no cellulite? Really. What kind of butt would you want?

My husband and I got to see a surgeon today. I so wish she could help me. If I had $5,000 or more, she could. But I'm in the realm of Canadian medicine now, and no longer have the wonderful insurance that once upon a time enabled me to partake of the insanely expensive healthcare of the United States. So this surgeon's findings will just have to be taken to Canada where I will get in line, and someday have the surgery that may fix me once and for all. I'm not incredibly hopeful anymore that this saga will ever be over with a good ending. If others have strength to hope for me, that would be nice.

I've talked with both my maternity doctor and my family doctor today. I've asked my family doctor to take over my care so we can get things centralized, and he agreed to talk with my maternity doctor to coordinate things. I don't want my maternity doctor to feel like she failed or like I'm upset with her. She has been a gift, and I really love her. I just want and need someone who can be a bulldog with my care anytime of the week and has an office staff that is more reachable. The only way I can ever get in touch with her is to call her on her cell phone, and that seems like a boundary violation to me. Her office staff is nice, but I always feel that they are a little cold and clueless. Plus, they are only open three days a week with very limited hours those days. I'm most likely going to forget about following up with the Ob who had been involved. I no longer can trust her to know enough or be thorough enough, though I really like her bedside manner and her gentle ways. Still, I'm sad that this is happening. I wish I could just keep seeing all of these doctors. I hate to disappoint anyone, and it feels like that is what has happened.

I am learning some things during this waiting to be healthy time. I'm braver than I thought. I can take more pain than I ever imagined. I'd rather not find out if I can take more though. How people deal with such awful diseases as Crohn's and cancer, I'll never know. Nor do I want to. I can also get through tough examinations with no pain meds with a gracefulness that amazes even me. But I'd like to be done learning. It would be nice if we could move onto things like climbing, going to the beach, walking, running, and enjoying the finer things in marriage. But instead, I'm waiting. Waiting to be better. Waiting for someone to fix me. Waiting for a miracle.

Here's hoping it comes my way soon.

Hey Guys

Isn't that just a cute face? I love that he gets to look at me and that I get to look at him all the live long day. Someday he may sass me, but for now, he adores me. After all, I do have the milk. He is cuddly and adorable, and I fall more in love with him each day. Even his projectile pooping incidents cannot dampen my enthusiasm for spending time with him. He is truly a fun blessing.

We are all headed to the States to visit family this week, and we are trying to pack a ton of preparations into a tiny window of time. I was supposed to have help on Friday with our little guy to give me time to clean, but that didn't happen after all. Yesterday, the little one and I were on our own all morning while his daddy headed to an outdoor show, and then it was off to a town an hour away to pick up the most insanely expensive stroller bag I've ever seen. (I am seriously regretting it and wondering if it's really necessary. But then I imagine the gate check guys losing one of the three wheels to our Bob stroller and I momentarily forget that the stroller accessories such as the travel bag have eaten up whatever college fund we had for our little guy.) Then when we got home, I cooked dinner from scratch for the first time since the whole sage of childbirth complications. It was deliciously amazing and made me wonder where I've been all my life. Ha. Seriously, we have missed my cooking.

That leads us to today. I had been hankering to go to church simply because I miss the community of friends we have there, and I hadn't gone since sometime around Christmas. Between the snow, giving birth, and wishing for the first ever lower torso transplant after childbirth, we just hadn't gone. So it was such a treat. So many people came up and loved on us, cooing over our baby. What really made me tear up was when our pastor said he'd had a "Henry David and Inkling sighting" and had us stand so everyone could see that FINALLY the answers to their prayers for my healing had been mostly answered with a resounding yes. But what was the most fun was the music and watching our little guy stare wide-eyed with wonder at the musicians. He and I both loved the music, and I really wish I could have been inside his mind to know what he was thinking and know how much he could actually see.

We came home from that after picking up a roast chicken at the grocery store, and after a lovely lunch of that and roasted veggies, I apparently zonked out on the bed while nursing the little guy. Now we are awake and the day is half over. I still have a bathroom to scrub, floors to vacuum, clothing to go through to figure out what will fit me for this trip, and preliminary packing to do. (May I just say that a bad first trimester sickness wise and a serious childbirth injury and infection for the mama to go through really suck, but that the bright side is the fact that I can fit into pants I haven't been able to wear for two years.)

So that's what's been happening. I am really and truly on the mend at long last. The last surgery happened two weeks ago tomorrow, and it seemed to be the ticket to finally helping me turn the corner. I have four more weeks of recovery where activity is somewhat restricted, but it looks like I can at last see the light at the end of this tunnel.

I'll see you later. We've got a trip to the States to take and great grandparents to meet the little guy!

Spring Is In My Future

On Monday I had surgery to correct some nagging issues leftover from a rather traumatic childbirth. There will be physiotherapy (physical therapy for you American readers) and maybe more surgery in my future, but for now, I seem to finally be on the road to real healing.

And with that healing comes hope. Hope for getting to enjoy the spring. I have essentially missed the winter with these nine weeks of being a near invalid. And with the spring comes walks in the park, Easter chocolate, flowers, sunshine, and most loved of all - climbing. Sunday it looked like climbing season was once again going to be kept from me. But Monday's surgery may just have saved it for me. If I keep on feeling like I feel right now, I see a climbing helmet and a harness in my future.

Can anyone say Squamish?!