If you're on my email list, you already got a note about this, but I wanted to write it here too.
At church on Sunday, some friends gave us a little card shaped like an elephant. Inside it was a check to put toward my surgery expenses. Today, at my post office box in Washington, I found a little envelope with elephants printed across it and a note inside also with elephants. An amazing young woman (who makes me wish I had a single younger brother still) had given us her tithe to put toward my surgical expenses.
As I sat in the car looking at her beautiful penmanship and the check, I asked God if He had something for me. Did He have a theme with these elephants? Was He trying to show me something?
And then it hit me.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
And the elephant that is my expensive medical saga is getting shared for dinner by friends and family who love me and are standing in my corner. I gotta say that elephant eaten with friends is much tastier than elephant eaten alone.
For those of you who are helping carve this elephant up into bite sized pieces, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don't deserve it one bit, but your kindness and love reminds me that God's mercies are new every morning as I continue on this long journey.
***We are heading to the States in early April to meet with a great surgeon and have him operate to repair my fistula from my birth injury. If all goes as planned, my husband will take off one week of work, unpaid. I will remain with my family for longer so that I can recover. Once I am strong and well enough to travel home, our little boy and I will fly back to Canada.
If you feel led to hep out, I've posted a pay pal donation button. Thank you.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The States, Maybe?
Just a quick note to anyone out there reading that it looks like I'll be paying for a private MRI here in Canada, and then coming to the States to get surgery. It's been nearly 14 months, and no progress has been made in Canada.
Canada rocked for the Olympics, and I love CTV, but the healthcare has huge issues. I love the fact that it's available to everyone at anytime, but the waiting and the lack of accountability is unconscionable.
If anyone is interested in helping me in any way, feel free to go to my profile and send me an email at the address listed.
Canada rocked for the Olympics, and I love CTV, but the healthcare has huge issues. I love the fact that it's available to everyone at anytime, but the waiting and the lack of accountability is unconscionable.
If anyone is interested in helping me in any way, feel free to go to my profile and send me an email at the address listed.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Hokey Dinah, I Recommend This Book!
So I was reading a favorite blog a couple weeks ago, and the writer mentioned Beth Moore's newest book, So Long Insecurity. Now, at the time, I remember thinking, "Duh. I'm not walking into a bookstore to buy something everyone will know is a 'self-help' book, especially one admitting I might be insecure!" And then I laughed at my obvious insecurity at worrying about what strangers would think, and made a mental note to buy it the next time I crossed the border.
And I did. I've only read the first few chapters, but already I can tell you that regardless of your religion, background, occupation, and personality, this book really is a good one. It's hard to read, not in terms of grammar and depth, but in terms of how it squarely meets the mark dead center on so many issues in my own heart. So I find myself protesting, "I'm not that bad! Well, maybe I am, but I can hide it, so surely it's okay to not address!" And then I decided all over again that this is an issue I'm sick of in my own life, and one that I want to address even if it hurts. So then I keep reading.
Anyway, in case any of you would like to stop worrying more about what other people think, being too aware of yourself, feeling insecure, thinking your desires or emotions aren't real or valuable, or anything else that leaves you mildly uncomfortable in your own skin, this book just might be one you'd like.
"So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore.....a book that so far is doing a pretty good job exfoliating all that skin I'm not comfortable in.
***(I personally decided to buy it because I know she's coming from a solid perspective that I respect and find to be true Biblically. But even if you're not into Bible stuff, this book is still so totally valuable.)
And I did. I've only read the first few chapters, but already I can tell you that regardless of your religion, background, occupation, and personality, this book really is a good one. It's hard to read, not in terms of grammar and depth, but in terms of how it squarely meets the mark dead center on so many issues in my own heart. So I find myself protesting, "I'm not that bad! Well, maybe I am, but I can hide it, so surely it's okay to not address!" And then I decided all over again that this is an issue I'm sick of in my own life, and one that I want to address even if it hurts. So then I keep reading.
Anyway, in case any of you would like to stop worrying more about what other people think, being too aware of yourself, feeling insecure, thinking your desires or emotions aren't real or valuable, or anything else that leaves you mildly uncomfortable in your own skin, this book just might be one you'd like.
"So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore.....a book that so far is doing a pretty good job exfoliating all that skin I'm not comfortable in.
***(I personally decided to buy it because I know she's coming from a solid perspective that I respect and find to be true Biblically. But even if you're not into Bible stuff, this book is still so totally valuable.)
Sunday, January 24, 2010
So It's Been A While
I never meant to go this long without writing here. But it's been a few months.
My little Grasshopper has celebrated his first Christmas, and he's had his first birthday. I've celebrated my fourth American Thanksgiving in Canada, and picked up packages for Christmas at my post office box in Washington for the fourth time. Time seems to pass so doggone quickly.
But in other ways, time does NOT pass quickly or efficiently enough.
I am STILL waiting for surgery, only we have now lost confidence in the current surgeon and are hoping to get into the only other fistula surgeon in BC before the first surgeon calls me up for surgery. We are still waiting to hear from the hospital, although we do know that they sent my files to an outside physician for review. My fistula is now symptomatic daily again, and that means I have hit a wall in the physical therapy until the fistula and open wound I live with is taken care of.
So with all that said, I have to be honest and say that this has done a real number on my faith. Once again, I find myself asking God if He exists, if He cares, if He has any power. I told Him (or the ceiling if He doesn't exist after all) that my faith is like my stomach. They are both like wobbling bowls of jelly, too easily shaken at the first sign of difficulty. I thought I was done wrestling with the existence and involvement of God in human affairs after my student teaching in Argentina and a few other traumatic times in my life. After all, I've spent most of this year speaking of my trust in Him despite these awful circumstances. But this past week, hearing my family doctor say that he had broken his promise to refer me to a second surgeon (and one recommended to me by two international fistula surgeons as well as a local radiologist and my physical therapists) because he had a "check", meaning a "check in his spirit". And that made me realize how often I hear God's name get thrown around as reasons for people doing things or not doing things. That left me wondering if I was just mad at all the people who claim to be His followers or if I was mad at Him. Then I started to wonder how many things are really His doing or really just circumstances. And before I knew it, I was plunged into a despairing cycle of hopelessness. (This was further complicated by the news that our friends who moved from South Africa specifically to partner with us in our outdoor business/ministry have suddenly decided to probably take another job at a camp instead of working with us. And of course, the excuse given was "God's leading".)
But I will admit that though I can't say that I'm firm on my beliefs about God and His existence or involvement in my life at this point in time, I can say that I have had the most interesting dreams about things while I've slept. That's unusual for me, and I can't help but wonder if He isn't sending me those dreams to reassure me - His temper tantrum throwing child - of His reality and care. All I can say is that I sure hope so.
And I hope that somehow, somewhere, sometime soon, someone operates on my fistula and fixes it perfectly once and for all. No excuses. No mistakes. No more limits on my life. I want to know what it means to run and exercise, to swim and climb, to love my husband, to have the possibility of another child one day, and to have a healthy body once again. It's been so long.
But the thing I want most, or maybe this comes in tied with my longing for physical wholeness......I want to know that I know that I know that I know that God is real and that He cares about me. No more wavering. No more anger.
Of course, none of this is possible on my own. And to be honest, I'm pretty sure a miracle or two is going to be necessary.
As for writing, I will try to keep it up. It's just a little hard with a wee one hanging on me and trying to type his own posts. =)
My little Grasshopper has celebrated his first Christmas, and he's had his first birthday. I've celebrated my fourth American Thanksgiving in Canada, and picked up packages for Christmas at my post office box in Washington for the fourth time. Time seems to pass so doggone quickly.
But in other ways, time does NOT pass quickly or efficiently enough.
I am STILL waiting for surgery, only we have now lost confidence in the current surgeon and are hoping to get into the only other fistula surgeon in BC before the first surgeon calls me up for surgery. We are still waiting to hear from the hospital, although we do know that they sent my files to an outside physician for review. My fistula is now symptomatic daily again, and that means I have hit a wall in the physical therapy until the fistula and open wound I live with is taken care of.
So with all that said, I have to be honest and say that this has done a real number on my faith. Once again, I find myself asking God if He exists, if He cares, if He has any power. I told Him (or the ceiling if He doesn't exist after all) that my faith is like my stomach. They are both like wobbling bowls of jelly, too easily shaken at the first sign of difficulty. I thought I was done wrestling with the existence and involvement of God in human affairs after my student teaching in Argentina and a few other traumatic times in my life. After all, I've spent most of this year speaking of my trust in Him despite these awful circumstances. But this past week, hearing my family doctor say that he had broken his promise to refer me to a second surgeon (and one recommended to me by two international fistula surgeons as well as a local radiologist and my physical therapists) because he had a "check", meaning a "check in his spirit". And that made me realize how often I hear God's name get thrown around as reasons for people doing things or not doing things. That left me wondering if I was just mad at all the people who claim to be His followers or if I was mad at Him. Then I started to wonder how many things are really His doing or really just circumstances. And before I knew it, I was plunged into a despairing cycle of hopelessness. (This was further complicated by the news that our friends who moved from South Africa specifically to partner with us in our outdoor business/ministry have suddenly decided to probably take another job at a camp instead of working with us. And of course, the excuse given was "God's leading".)
But I will admit that though I can't say that I'm firm on my beliefs about God and His existence or involvement in my life at this point in time, I can say that I have had the most interesting dreams about things while I've slept. That's unusual for me, and I can't help but wonder if He isn't sending me those dreams to reassure me - His temper tantrum throwing child - of His reality and care. All I can say is that I sure hope so.
And I hope that somehow, somewhere, sometime soon, someone operates on my fistula and fixes it perfectly once and for all. No excuses. No mistakes. No more limits on my life. I want to know what it means to run and exercise, to swim and climb, to love my husband, to have the possibility of another child one day, and to have a healthy body once again. It's been so long.
But the thing I want most, or maybe this comes in tied with my longing for physical wholeness......I want to know that I know that I know that I know that God is real and that He cares about me. No more wavering. No more anger.
Of course, none of this is possible on my own. And to be honest, I'm pretty sure a miracle or two is going to be necessary.
As for writing, I will try to keep it up. It's just a little hard with a wee one hanging on me and trying to type his own posts. =)
Saturday, October 31, 2009
A Free Moment
My husband took our little guy for the day so I could have a bit of down time, as well as a big chunk of time to clean our very dirty home. Our son has recently decided he cannot sleep without his mother, and that he has no need of sleep until very late. That means no down time for me, and no time to clean without him around. So this day alone is a gift. Our friends from South Africa arrived safely last weekend, and their guys and my guys are hiking today whilst I enjoy the quiet.
I have recently discovered the joys of Nutella, so that will be on the menu for today. And if I can get out of my pajamas (the perfect cleaning uniform), I may even treat myself to a meal out all by myself. Or maybe a nap. Yes, a nap sounds lovely.
I have nothing deep to share, but wanted to pop in and say hello. Since making my other blog more private, I feel like I should at least write a bit more over here. But honestly, this season of life has me rather protective of myself, wanting to keep my heart and mind safely tucked away from view. But maybe, one day, I'll feel like sharing again. Or maybe I'll find a fun writing contest to enter, which will give me an excuse to post here.
Blessings to the 2.5 people who read this (if that many). =) I'm off to go clean with my remaining four hours of freedom.
I have recently discovered the joys of Nutella, so that will be on the menu for today. And if I can get out of my pajamas (the perfect cleaning uniform), I may even treat myself to a meal out all by myself. Or maybe a nap. Yes, a nap sounds lovely.
I have nothing deep to share, but wanted to pop in and say hello. Since making my other blog more private, I feel like I should at least write a bit more over here. But honestly, this season of life has me rather protective of myself, wanting to keep my heart and mind safely tucked away from view. But maybe, one day, I'll feel like sharing again. Or maybe I'll find a fun writing contest to enter, which will give me an excuse to post here.
Blessings to the 2.5 people who read this (if that many). =) I'm off to go clean with my remaining four hours of freedom.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Just Some Updates - Happy and Sad
* The hospital meeting went well. I look forward to hearing their conclusions, and to seeing what tangible things they offer. They said my story was "compelling", that I was "eloquent" and "articulate and clear", among other encouraging things.
* I have an appointment at a major hospital in Vancouver for some tests to help the surgeon know what to do, and another one coming up to help me process some of the emotional aftermath of all of this.
*The head of the hospital where I delivered is going to contact the Vancouver area surgeon to see if there is any way to speed up my surgery and get me healed faster.
*My youngest brother and his wife lost a baby girl this weekend. Their full term baby girl was delivered yesterday. We are all heartbroken and heartsick. There is nothing to say. So many questions and wonderings. So much pain. And there are three little kiddos who have no concept and will never know their baby sister this side of eternity.
*The "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" organization is very much worth your support. I have read about them on many blogs of women who have lost children, and they stepped in and recorded some precious memories for the few moments my brother and sister-in-law had with their little baby girl.
*Based upon some of my discussions with physiotherapists (physical therapists for you Americans) and with the hospital heads, I think that becoming a type of advocate may be in my future. A passion for gently educating women about their options for everything from continence therapy to post trauma issues is something forming in my heart and mind.
*Finally, I'm so ready for this world to be made new again. This Fall stuff is too hard to bear most days. Literally. The Fall even impacted the bears. We've had a rogue bear making meals out of our son's diapers lately, destroying a 4'x4' garbage shed with two locks, tearing the doors off the hinges. I'm ready for Narnia bears that are good. Do you think Heaven will have those? That would be fun.
* I have an appointment at a major hospital in Vancouver for some tests to help the surgeon know what to do, and another one coming up to help me process some of the emotional aftermath of all of this.
*The head of the hospital where I delivered is going to contact the Vancouver area surgeon to see if there is any way to speed up my surgery and get me healed faster.
*My youngest brother and his wife lost a baby girl this weekend. Their full term baby girl was delivered yesterday. We are all heartbroken and heartsick. There is nothing to say. So many questions and wonderings. So much pain. And there are three little kiddos who have no concept and will never know their baby sister this side of eternity.
*The "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" organization is very much worth your support. I have read about them on many blogs of women who have lost children, and they stepped in and recorded some precious memories for the few moments my brother and sister-in-law had with their little baby girl.
*Based upon some of my discussions with physiotherapists (physical therapists for you Americans) and with the hospital heads, I think that becoming a type of advocate may be in my future. A passion for gently educating women about their options for everything from continence therapy to post trauma issues is something forming in my heart and mind.
*Finally, I'm so ready for this world to be made new again. This Fall stuff is too hard to bear most days. Literally. The Fall even impacted the bears. We've had a rogue bear making meals out of our son's diapers lately, destroying a 4'x4' garbage shed with two locks, tearing the doors off the hinges. I'm ready for Narnia bears that are good. Do you think Heaven will have those? That would be fun.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Learning To Be A Brave Advocate
The news arrived today that some top folks at the hospital have agreed to meet with me to hear our story. It will happen in a couple of weeks.
My goal is not only to get my story heard and to find some sort of resolution to our issues, but to advocate for all women whose choices are removed and who are injured when protocol is not followed. I'm new at this and am planning and preparing a ton so that my presentation is clear, concise, and professional.
Cheer me on and hope with me for justice and the right things to be done!
My goal is not only to get my story heard and to find some sort of resolution to our issues, but to advocate for all women whose choices are removed and who are injured when protocol is not followed. I'm new at this and am planning and preparing a ton so that my presentation is clear, concise, and professional.
Cheer me on and hope with me for justice and the right things to be done!
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